Saturday, June 26, 2010

Loglines for review

Do you remember Rachelle Gardner's one line summary contest? Here was my submission and her comment.

When a lonely scientist’s nightmares become reality, she must embrace her magical abilities to save her planet from an invading alien force.

"I don't know what the nightmares are about, there is no clue as to the nature of her magical abilities, and the alien force could be darn near anything. Just a few carefully chosen words could make this more visual and draw my interest." R.G.
So, I've been trying to improve my logline using her advice. I want to pull my hair out. The new sentences feel clunky, overly wordy. Do you think I'm choosing words that make it more visual? Any critique and advice will be appreciated. Here are two rewrites.
Ostracized for her violet eyes, a lonely scientist struggles to embrace her magical abilities in order to save her world from destruction by an alien race that turns out to be a human-dragon hybrid from Sendek’s forgotten past.
Or...
As a lonely scientist’s nightmares of an invasion by scaly humanoids become reality, technology fails to save her people and she must embrace her magical ability of focusing energy in order to save her planet from annihilation.
Ack! Reading them again makes me gag. My brain is seriously fried, but I need to keep making some progress. I like the first one better. The second one just bugs me. Talia's magical talents are...complex. "Focusing energy" doesn't work for me, but I have no idea how to describe them in such a short space. Do you think I can just leave out a description of what the abilities are?

Thanks in advance for any and all constructive criticism.