The rest of my life is routine, no change in sight. There will always be dishes, laundry, and kids, but I can write a story and reach the end.
I put up a good show on this blog, but the truth is I'm afraid of actually finding an agent and getting published. That dream has been my life line. What do I hold onto if it's gone?
Lately, my hubby has been worried, frustrated, even angry with me and this "writing thing". Which in turn makes me feel the same way. I don't expect him to GET IT, and he has some valid points.
- I spend way to much time reading blogs,
- or writing blogs (I have five blogs)
- chatting with people I've never met and probably never will
- I don't interact with my kids as much as he thinks I should (probably true, but they just want to play the wii anyway.)
- the house is not white glove clean
- when we try to have a conversation (hubby and me) my book or my bloggy friends are all that I can talk about. In my defense, all he talks about is work or church.
- I put in the hours of a full time job with nothing to show for it--his words not mine.
The scary thing is that when I was in the darkest days of my depression, writing gave me a reason to stick around. It was just for me. A way to explore the corners of my mind, work out emotions I couldn't deal with as my own, but when put on a fictional character I could view them differently. Logically.
I write because I NEED to write to stay whole. I write and seek publication because I would be a hypocrite if I didn't try. My whole life has been spent telling others they can do anything they want. So, I have to do what I want as well.
How do I compromise? How do I shut off the compulsion to write, communicate, and socialize so I can be the wife and mother I should be?
I have writer friends who have said, "Enough is enough!" They stopped querying and packed the stories away. Is that the only way? Should I stop and wait until my kids are grown and gone before chasing this dream? Just the thought of doing that makes me feel like I'm suffocating.
Do I stop blogging and querying and just write? Perhaps I finish writing the whole four book series, then revise and edit it to death over the next few years. I have three other ideas after those.
Would that be enough? Will it ever be enough? I feel ripped in two.
Mom or writer? Is it possible to be both and be good enough at both?
Without hubby's support, my doubts are mounting.