Monday, January 13, 2014

The Dream Vs Reality Reflections

Guess what?

I finished the first draft of Search for Knowledge over the weekend!!

The the most prevalent emotion?

Relief.

I was seriously starting to wonder if I was ever going to finish another novel. I talk a good talk on here, but it's mostly my way of trying to psych myself out in a positive way. However, the reality of getting published last year knocked me for a whammy.

All the things that I thought getting published would bring to me, never happened. For instance:
  • I would "feel" validated.
  • My family would finally see this isn't just a hobby for me.
  • Writing would be easier because I would know that I could do it.
  • My bouts with depression would never bother me again.
  • I would finally have the self confidence to always be strong and assertive.
Sadly, getting published was not that magic pill I'd hoped for. There were definitely moments of validation, and I'm grateful for them. My family has been more supportive, but I've also tried to make a greater effort at balancing writing and family life.

For some strange reason the writing became harder.

I believe this is because I see the weakness in my writing. Part of me still feels like a failure. THE MAGIC WAKES isn't as perfect as I want it. I developed that "why bother" attitude. There are so many better writers out there, they can keep the world supplied with books. No one needs my half baked, half built, half "there" stories. *sigh*

Every day I struggle to tell myself it doesn't matter what others think, or where I'm at right now in this moment. What matters is that I'm trying to be better than I was yesterday. Because I want to be better. And for no other reason. (Well, and I don't want Talia mad at me again!)

Why are we harder on ourselves than anyone else ever could be? And how can I use it to my advantage?

Here are the things that have helped me the last two months:
  • Set small goals Sit down and write SOMETHING for an hour every day. When I get good at this, I'll add to it. Write 1000 words a day, write for 2 hours, whatever will work for me at that time.
  • Forgive myself If life happens and I don't get to write, it's OKAY! The novel will still be there tomorrow. If the three page scene is really crappy, it's OKAY! Everything can be revised and edited.
  • Forgive others Don't hold grudges when other people don't understand or keep interrupting during the writing of a crucial scene. People are important. If I continue to show them they are important to me, they will eventually understand and respect the things that are important to me.
  • Leave the past in the past This is the hardest one for me. The mistakes I made before are done. I can't change them, and I need to let them go. By allowing them to haunt me, all I do is prevent myself from leaping into the next learning experience.
I'm back to writing because I enjoy it. If it takes me another year to get it the way I want it...so be it.

Sorry to those who may be waiting for something, but I promise I'm trying my best to make it worth your wait. The Search for Knowledge will be even better than THE MAGIC WAKES. The characters will grow, the world building will dig deeper, there will be more science and more magic to come. More heartache and more triumph. That was always the plan. Now it's time to get to work.

What inner demons have you been struggling with and keeping hidden?
Feel free to share in this No Judgement Zone!