Thursday, December 16, 2010

Updated Query from Query Blogfest

Everyone gave some excellent advice. Here is my updated version from the Query Blogfest.

UPDATED from comment suggestions.

Dear Dream Agent,

Astronomer Talia Shannon hides her magical abilities out of fear of becoming the national science project. She gleans energy from Sendek's binary suns to heal herself and others, communicates with trees, and is clairvoyant. Unfortunately, her prophetic nightmares point to an approaching invasion. She has spent her life searching for the scientific proof needed to warn and protect her planet while guarding her secret.When her prophetic nightmares point to an approaching invasion, she searches for the scientific proof needed to warn her planet while guarding her secret.

After thousands of years in exile, the Dragumen, a human dragon hybrid created in Sendek’s past, have returned to claim the planet as their own. Smarter and stronger than ever, they plan to wipe out the humans on Sendek and claim it for their own.

Talia's blood lines lead back to As a direct descendant of the mage who created the Dragumen, Talia is the key to their destruction giving her the power to destroy them--if only she can learn how. Talia must learn to trust the magic coursing through her veins. if she wants to survive the invasion. When science fails to protect her way of life, magic becomes the only hope.

PERSONALIZED INFO. SENDEK is a complete science fantasy novel of approximately 83,000 words. The complete manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Charity Bradford
Personal Contact info

6 comments:

  1. Absolutely wonderful story concept and the first paragraph had me sold.

    What doesn't work:
    Do not capitalize every letter in the sentence. That is shouting. Plus, I don't understand what personalized info. sendek means. What are you saying there? I think you should just say it, but don't shout it. At conference last September an agent shared a Big No No. Do not use the word approximately with your word count. Give the exact word count. With computers we can do that now. I know, every other query how to book tells you to use that word. If it makes them toss your query, don't risk it.
    Hope that helps.
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, fantasy author

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really like this. Just one suggestion - I would combine this two sentences:

    Unfortunately, her prophetic nightmares point to an approaching invasion. She has spent her life searching for the scientific proof needed to warn and protect her planet while guarding her secret.

    into:

    When her prophetic nightmares point to an approaching invasion, she searches for scientific proof to warn and protect her planet while guarding her secret.

    Just tightens it a little and makes it more immediate. All in all, I think this version is great!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This feels so, so close. This sentence felt like it could be better connected to the previous paragraph: "Talia's blood lines lead back to the mage who created the Dragumen, giving her the power to destroy them--if only she can learn how." It's not transitioning smoothly for me. Maybe it's the level of detail raising too many questions.

    This might be a possible way to rephrase it slighly:
    As direct descendant of the mage who created the Dragumen, Talia possesses the power to destroy them--if only she can learn how.

    I'm not sure that's very smooth either. Anyway, take a look at that sentence, and think about bridging the Dragumen's origins to Talia's ancestry. Right now the shift of focus feels a bit abrupt.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This reads awesome!!! Smoother and more clear. Good flow. I can follow it and feel the tension. Well done, Charity!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Awesome! I wouldn't change a thing. :D

    ReplyDelete

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