Here's the one I settled on over the weekend. Unfortunately, I wasn't home for much of the weekend. Here's my 200 word start. I don't even know if it's enough to hook someone and make it worth finishing the story. What do you think?
Earth Four
The ship’s engines pitched lower as it dropped out of hyper drive and powered up the reverse thrusters. It wouldn’t be long now.
Overhead lights dimmed then brightened signaling a ship wide message. Thousands of people paused mid-stride and waited.
“Attention all passengers, we are now approaching our destination. Earth Four will be within view of the front and starboard viewing halls in thirty minutes time. We will dock and begin debarkation in two hours. Remember, you may carry your own luggage or recycle it. If you choose to recycle, you will be issued a class two mandate for your stay on Earth Four. Gold members will receive an automatic upgrade.
“Thank you for traveling on the Galaxy Gala. It’s been our pleasure to serve you and we hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation.” The voice fell silent.
Tensati hobbled forward once more on his arthritic legs. He had to find Lyria so they could watch the planet come into view together. They had waited a long time to get passage on a cruise liner destined for a young earth. He wanted to enjoy every minute of it with her.
Two hours.
Two hours until their dreams became a reality.
Maybe, it's my fault for procrastinating, but I can't find the picture choices...
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that really draws me away from this from the start is the omniscient voice in the first two sentences. Bring Tensati in from the first sentence and show him feeling the ship slowing, hearing the announcement and so forth.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
Great suggestion Justin!
DeleteOoooh. I'd hve to agree with Justin. I went back and reworked the wording in my head from Tensati's POV and it drew me in right away.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I was a bit naughty and decided to hold my picture for tomorrow.
I saw that. It was cool to read it and know in my head which one you picked. Thanks for playing with us!
DeleteI have to third that, but I'm definitely interested in what you've got planned:)
ReplyDeleteYou definitely hooked me! I almost got a sense of a futuristic Titanic voyage... will you be adding star-crossed lovers? :) Wonderful start! I'd read more!
ReplyDeleteThanks Julie! No star-crossed lovers, not at their age *hint, wink*. But there could be some surprises in store for our voyagers. Think Old Man's War by John Scalzi mixed with Pinocchio.
DeleteWow, writing that out makes me look crazy!
It's a fun start. I loved the part about recycling luggage. Presumably, this is what always happens to mine.
ReplyDeleteHaha! Too bad you don't get credit for recycling it, or upgraded clothing and possessions.
DeleteI love the futuristic feel. You made me feel for Tensati in less than 300 words. Definitely worth finishing. Amazing work.
ReplyDeleteAlso thanks for commenting on my entry.
Heck Yes it's enough to hook me!
ReplyDeleteIt's a good start though!
ReplyDeleteI like it. I'm not sure I agree with the POV comments. I like the far flung view that slowly tightens on one character. I would def read on! Nice!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Alicia on the the POV and would also read on.
ReplyDeleteDefinately drew me in right away and after I heard about this new young earth I wanted to learn more and more about the planet and how it compares to our earth.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great hook! I love how the passengers have a chance to recycle their luggage, and your main character's desire to see the new young earth!
ReplyDeleteI'm very curious by the idea of recycling their luggage... I would read on to learn more about that.
ReplyDeleteIt's a great start. A young earth, that in itself is an exciting prospect to explore. Thanks for commenting on my entry.
ReplyDeleteah the questions of the future with the romance we long for =)
ReplyDeletenicely done!
"My biggest problem was the pictures to choose from were all wonderful" uhhuh
ReplyDeleteI had wondered how this picture would be developed. Intriguing. I loved that entry message. The POV would work either way; the hook is still there for me. Which meant, for me, you've created such an excellent setting (the universe first) that the setting is a "character" in the opening. And the first "person" we meet is a disembodied voice, with a set of instructions for leaving the initial setting, moving into a more personal world.
Starting with Tensati could still show the vastness of space as it affects a specific individual, and still introduce the setting, genre, pov and complicated romance issue.
(Have I talked you into keeping this opening, lol.)
Favorite concept: "Remember, you may carry your own luggage or recycle it. If you choose to recycle, you will be issued a class two mandate for your stay on Earth Four. Gold members will receive an automatic upgrade." Brilliant.
Thanks for putting this blogfest all together Charity. It has been fun to write to and read the other excerpts.
......dhole
I love that it's not Earth #2 but Earth 4. Somehow that makes it, idk, more established and fantastical?
ReplyDelete:)