Monday, March 3, 2014

I Need Your Help Query Time!

Well, we've got freezing rain again here in Northwest Arkansas. The kids are home from school, and at this rate I'm wondering what kind of summer break we're going to end up with. I'm not really complaining though. I enjoy having them around when they play nicely together. They're growing up too fast and will be gone before I know it.

Yesterday, K (kid #1) and I started putting together our A to Z Challenge posts. Yep, I like to have them scheduled in advance so I can concentrate on visiting other blogs. We'll probably work on more today. :)

My other goal for the week is to put together a query and then a pitch for FADE INTO ME. Here's my first go, all ready for your critique and comments. *sigh* I read it and think, "This really doesn't represent the smallest fraction of the story." And yet, I have to focus on one thing, the over arching  plot and not all the little things that make it complicated. I'm just afraid I'm leaving out the most interesting points. This is already at 330 words and I will need to add the "why I'm querying you" paragraph. Ug!

My problem is the backstory! I feel certain things don't make sense without it.

Help!!

Revision 2--Thanks Misha from UB!

Unknown to humans, aliens called Abhithians live among them. Their purpose: to nurture their greatest mistake—mankind.

Caedan Frey’s family has fulfilled this duty for thousands of years, but that doesn’t exempt him from his obligations as the prince of the Reparation. He must marry a human before his birthday or the throne will revert to a rival family. Their previous reigns saw the end of Atlantis, and The Plague in Europe. Caedan knows the sooner he marries, the better for everyone, and any girl will do. He's about to propose to someone when his soul mate stumbles into--and right out--of his arms.

Ryanne Killian might be his one shot at happiness while still fulfilling his responsibility to his people, but after a disastrous experience with love, she isn’t willing to give anyone else a chance. He’ll need to convince her to leave her world behind and marry him in two months time. Unfortunately, his rival sees his opportunity to get rid of Caedan, and keeping Ryanne away from him is all too easy.

FADE INTO ME is a contemporary YA Fantasy similar in style to Julie Kagawa's Iron King. My first novel, THE MAGIC WAKES was released by Wido Publishing in 2013.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Revision 1--Thanks Robin!
Dear ___________,

Everything humans think they know about evolution is a lie. Aliens, called Abhithians, live among them sentenced to watch over and nurture their greatest mistake...

Abhithian Caedan Frey doesn't believe humans will ever evolve enough to see the magic, much less control it. But he is the prince of the Reparation and he must marry a human in order to fulfill an ancient promise. Bitter about his duty, Caedan figures any girl will do. He's about to propose to a girl when his anamchara or soul mate stumbles into--and right out--of his arms. Wonder of wonders, she's human!

Ryanne Killian doesn't believe in love or magic anymore. She just graduated from high school and acted as best man at her crush's wedding. Her life is not going as planned. Then strange colors in the sky draw her to the botanical gardens, and even though she’s vowed to never let anyone into her heart again, she steps straight into the arms of her soul mate. She can feel it, but can she trust it?

When Ryanne has a physical reaction to the magic, Caedan takes her to his world to recover. All of the Abhithians watch her with growing hope as she sees the swirling colors of magic. Ryanne doesn't feel like her growing attraction to Caedan is enough reason to marry him, and she demands to be taken home. Crossing the barrier between worlds causes her to forget everything about the magical realm.

It's time for Caedan to work harder to help Ryanne fall in love with him. Unfortunately, a rival sees this as his chance to steal the throne from Caedan's family. All he has to do is keep the two unlikely lovers separated until after Caedan's birthday.

FADE INTO ME is a contemporary YA Fantasy similar in style to Julie Kagawa's Iron King. My first novel, THE MAGIC WAKES was released by Wido Publishing in 2013.

Thanks for your time and consideration,

Original
Dear ___________,

Everything humans think they know about evolution is a lie. Aliens, called Abhithians, live among them sentenced to watch over and nurture their greatest mistake...

Abhithian Caedan Frey is destined to marry a human girl to fulfill an ancient promise. If he's lucky she'll be able to see and use the magic of the earth so his people will be free to ascend to their home world once more. Any girl will do according to the laws of reparation, but Caedan would like to find his soul mate. He's running out of time when his anamchara stumbles into--and right out--of his arms.

Ryanne Killian doesn't believe in love or magic anymore. She just graduated from high school and acted as best man at her crush's wedding. Her life is not going as planned. Then strange colors in the sky draw her to the botanical gardens, and even though she’s vowed to never let anyone into her heart again, she steps straight into the arms of her soul mate. She can feel it, but can she trust it?

When Ryanne has a physical reaction to the magic, Caedan takes her to his world to recover. All of the Abhithians watch her with growing hope as she sees the swirling colors of magic. But Ryanne's growing attraction to Caedan isn't enough reason for her to marry him. She demands to be taken home, and crossing the barrier between the worlds causes her to forget everything.

It's time for Caedan to work harder to help Ryanne fall in love with him. Unfortunately, a rival sees this as his chance to steal the throne from Caedan's family. All he has to do is keep the two unlikely lovers separated until after Caedan's birthday.

FADE INTO ME is a contemporary YA Fantasy similar in style to Julie Kagawa's Iron King. My first novel, THE MAGIC WAKES was released by Wido Publishing in 2013.

Thanks for your time and consideration,

****

The biggest point I left out because I'm not sure how to work it in with the word count--
Ryanne feels unworthy because she was date rap ed in the past. Because of that she fights forming a relationship with Caedan.