Sunday, January 17, 2010

Query Review--by Dakota388

I am a rank amateur so take my advise at your own peril. Your story sounds interesting but I feel your query needs some work (which is why were here, right?) At first glance, I think you are way to vague in places and too in depth in others. I'll try to point out a few as we go though the query.

Dear Mr. _________,

In a world that has chosen science over magic, one woman Name her heremust learn to understand her unique talents vagueand sugg.- figure out why she has dreamed of her own death since the day she was born. (Makes this line more specific and allows you to remove it in the next paragraph)find the answer to her prophetic dreams to save herself and her world.

Talia Shannon is intelligent and professional, show us these traits with your query instead of telling us she is intelligent and professional and hiding a secret that will change the course of her planet cliched. In addition to some distinctive talents vague, she has dreamed of an invasion and her death since the day she was born if you used above suggestion. These dreams are the driving force behind her work for the Space Exploration Foundation (SEF). At this point I feel you start to give a blow-by-blow account of what happens next.Talia receives a new assignment to travel to the city Joharadin and work with the Royalist, the military monarchy in control of the government. From the very beginning Commander Landry Sutton throws her off balance. He angers her in a way that no one else ever has with his superior persona. I don't think this sentence is needed with the next sentence. The Commander accuses her of being a traitor to the kingdom and a spy for one of the rebellious factions. Talia is forced to defend herself and still keep her real secret from being exposed. Seems a bit unnecessary

Commander Sutton’s arm brushes Talia’s during a visit in which he confronts Talia about her past. This small touch establishes a connection allowing them to feel each others emotions and hear each other’s thoughts. sugg.- combine previous two sentences. Something like... When Commander Sutton's arm brushes Talia's, a connection is made enabling the two enemies to hear each others' thoughts After a short game of mental cat and mouse to learn each other’s secrets, Commander Sutton leaves Talia wondering what will happen to her. Before either can decide on the appropriate action, they are thrown into each other’s company after surviving a sabotaged tram ???. As more secrets are revealed, vague they must learn to trust one another in order to survive the challenges ahead. vague

The planet Sendek has chosen to follow the path of science, but its ancient history was filled with mage and dragons. They have chosen to forget this past, but the magic is still present, waiting just under the surface to reassert itself. Talia Shannon and Commander Sutton both have Mage blood and gifts they keep hidden. Both will have to learn to accept and use these skills in order to save their planet from the return of the Draguman—a human-dragon hybrid created thousands of years earlier on Sendek and then sent into exile on a distant planet by the last dragons. The dragumans seem to be thrown in here as there has been no mention of them throughout the query

Adventure and romance within a world faced with returning to a realm of magic after centuries of scientific growth I think you could do without this sentence, Sendek is an 85,000 word Fantasy novel, written in first person from Talia’s point of view and third person. The continuing story is in outline form and the complete history of the Draguman is in the draft stage.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

I think you need to focus on Talia, show us what her main conflict is while giving us a peek at what makes your fantasy unique. Fantasy is the hardest queries to write but keep at it. Just try to tighten this up a bit and leave out anything that doesn't directly affect the main conflict that you are trying to portray in this query. Good luck.

review by Dakota388 from the Nathan Bransford forums.