Here are the websites I used to help me write my loglines.
Query Tracker . net Writing a logline/1 sentence pitch.
Two Adverbs--long, but good stuff.
Ok, so here are the rules for Bryan's blogfest. Visit his blog on the 22nd for the other entries.
Create a single sentence description of your novel. And don’t try to cram 13 semicolons and another half-dozen commas in to squeeze your logline into the 1 sentence rule. If you can’t speak your logline in a single breath, it’s too long. One additional note: each participant can post up to five (5) different versions of their logline. That way we can all comment on our favorite of the bunch, what worked/didn’t work, and why.
Here are my attempts:
1. In a scientific world, one woman must find the strength to embrace her magical talents in order to save her world from an invading alien force.
2. When a lonely scientist’s nightmares become reality, she joins forces with a commander in the royal army to revive a new order of mage in order to save her world from alien invaders.
3. A woman ostracized for her strange eyes, leaves the safety of her scientific life to save her planet from an alien invader by leading a magical revival.
4. In a world where the people ignore the magic all around them in favor of science and technology, one woman must embrace her magical abilities to save her people from an invading alien force.
Goal reporting:Last Week's Goals:
- Continue revising. Check! I cut, I wrote 3 new scenes, I am on page 289 of 294!
- Cut my 6 page summary down to 3. Oh, wow this is going to be hard. Um, didn't even open the doc. :(
- Write up to 7500 words on my Hadassah short story for Lady Glamis' contest. I'm running out of time and only have 2500 words. I do have the story outlined. I opened it, stared at it, and then returned to Sendek.
It's alright to change your weekly goals in the middle of the week. So, maybe I won't make the short story contest, but I will finish this round of revisions before my kids get out of school.
#4 is the strongest one I think. The others had too many prepositional phrases or not enough info to grab my attention or repeated words that drew attention away from your point.ReplyDelete
#4 is definintely the one to use! Nice job!
And don't feel bad about suggesting things on mine! I asked for them after all! Thank you for commenting - and I came up with a better one if you want to go check it out in my reply!
love the last one, but i can't help but hear that movie announcer guy saying (in his best announcing voice) "In a world..."ReplyDelete
i'm playing along as well. looking forward to reading more here now that i'm following.
Agree with Harley aka Anastasia. The fourth is the punchiest, but I also loved the third.ReplyDelete
Why three and four? Because they PUNCHED me in the skull:
... ostracized for her strange eyes ...
... where the people ignore the magic all around them ...
Nice grabbers! The first two lacked that hook and were strictly informative. In a larger description such as a coverback, you have room to describe the story, but in the pitch you're looking to set the hook, NOT inform the audience.
They have to open the book to get that information, see.
Maybe 4, but I'd like to hear what the consequences of the alien invasion are. Maybe they're nice friendly aliens who are bringing us fresh buttery scones. :)ReplyDelete
I might try that one - I think I could do my novel in one line.ReplyDelete
Definitely four but I also liked one :)ReplyDelete
They made me grin and get excited and that's not just becauase I know some of the story..
Oooh, yes, maybe put hostile next to "invading" or something. :)
I like four and one. One because it's to the point, gives you the main conflict and the (possible) solution, four because...well, because it's a bit more sensationalist.ReplyDelete
I'm with Mia on the 'hostile', though. I mean, unless they aren't. Are they?
And thank you so much for your post on my blog, it was REALLY REALLY helpful. I find this particular exercise excruciatingly painful... I guess I need to practice this. Maybe put up a logline a week or something equally torturous.
I'm torn between 2 and 4. 2 is really great, except that I think using the word 'order' twice in two different contexts throws us off. 4 reads very nicely and succinctly, but I'm not sure it's as interesting as 2.ReplyDelete
1 and 3 are too unwieldy, but both can be tweaked with some attention to wording.
And personally I think as long as you have "invading" as the alien descriptor, the reader will interpret this as a high-stakes, end of civilization as we know it situation.
Nice job, and thanks for joining the blogfest!
I think #1 could sing if you started, "In a world with no place for magic ...."ReplyDelete
As they all stand, I like #4 best. Great job at a difficult task, Roland
Nice job. So, I totally heard #1 in that movie announcer voice. Kind of like how Jack Black introduced the panda movie in one of the previews. lol.ReplyDelete
#2 is good in my opinion except I stumble at the "new order of mage in order". I love mages, but that line makes it seem like it should just say magic, and/or have only one "order" and a different word for the other one.
#4 works best but it might be even better if you work in some of the other lines. Maybe like this:ReplyDelete
In a world where people ignore magic in favor of technology, one woman leaves the safety of her scientific life to embrace her magical abilities and save her people from an invading alien force.
I like the first one the best. It give the dichotomy of the elements involved; magic vs. science. Also gives the conflict...maybe more on what the consequences are to her stepping out of her safety-zone?ReplyDelete
I like the fourth one the best but I like the face that it feels like there is still a mystery to be solved.ReplyDelete
Thanks for sharing and best of luck.
I have to say 2 is the best. It gives a complete story. You've got it ALL in there! I know it's not all doped up with adjectives but it gives a great overall story! Great job!ReplyDelete
Three and four were both strong, but if I had to pick one then four is my absolute favourite.ReplyDelete
I, too, really like number four. It reads very well. And I already feel a connection to this character that's trying to save a world where science and technology reigns. It is depiction of our state now, one could argue!ReplyDelete
I liked the first one best, but you used the word "world" twice. Maybe change the second one to say "planet". I also like the suggestion of adding in the word hostile. Good job though. I enjoyed all of these.ReplyDelete
I liked the second line the best--dreams and magic in the face of science: nice!! :DReplyDelete
#4 without a doubt. It shows the hook - magic everywhere, but no one wants to use it except for her. I think that right there is a fundamental part of the hook (and sets up the conflict of the story).ReplyDelete
What if you combined 2 and 4:ReplyDelete
When a lonely scientist’s nightmares become reality, she must embrace her magical abilities to save her people from an invading alien force.
Haunted by nightmares that are suddenly becoming reality, a lonely scientist must embrace her magical abilities to save her people from an invading alien force.
See why I keep him around? Isn't he wonderful.ReplyDelete