Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Insecure Writer's Support Group March 2013 and Birth of a Novel

Since I'm not going to blog this month, I'm combining my IWSG and Birth of a Novel posts this week. After this, I'll just be putting up pre-scheduled guest slots. You'll see why below.
Purpose: To share and encourage. Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!

Posting: The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Post your thoughts on your own blog. Talk about your doubts and the fears you have conquered. Discuss your struggles and triumphs. Offer a word of encouragement for others who are struggling. Visit others in the group and connect with your fellow writer.

Thank you Alex Cavanaugh for keeping this great community going!

This month I want to get back to work. February was a lot of fun, but if I don't get writing it'll never happen again. The plan is to not blog this month and use that time to do one of two things.

  1. Prepare all my posts for the April A to Z Challenge
  2. Finish the 1st draft of my sequel
So far things are going okay. I've written drafts of the posts through G. I've done a bit of writing as well, however it wasn't on book 2. It was on book 4!

The second to the last scene in Talia's story was really shouting at me over the weekend. In fact, every time a certain song came on the radio I just bawled. Many of you know I'm a professed cry baby, but this song just hit me. I've heard it many times and remained unmoved. But the words sunk in and I visualized Talia feeling them to her very core. 

I had to sit and write the scene. The setting wasn't really there, and I wasn't sure how they got to this point in the story, but the dialogue was solid and real in my head. And that's what I jotted down. Over 600 words of this painfully beautiful conversation between two people I've grown to love. Now I have to fill in all the blank spaces in between the end of The Magic Wakes and Here There Be Dragons. My hope is that now I've listened to my characters and saved the inspiration, they'll let me get back to writing The Search For Knowledge, which is currently sitting at 39,200 comfortable words.

However, I keep opening the doc, looking at it, and then closing it. Most of those words are in 1st person and need to be re-written into 3rd to match TMW. But I keep thinking I should finish the story line first and worry about rewriting later. Or maybe I'll rewrite first to get back into the story. *sigh*

Here's where the insecurity comes in. Well, it's more like frustration.

I've suffered bouts of depression off and on for years. Even though my head tells me to go seek medical help, I'm stubborn. I always think I can fix it myself. It isn't as bad as some people experience, and it's mostly in the gray gloominess of winter, but it stinks.

I WANT to sit and write.

My body wants to lie in bed and sleep.

When I'm sleeping I can dream all these wonderful stories. I can live them. I can feel all these emotions. But when I'm awake I'm empty. The only thing I really feel is guilt.

Why?

Because I have a wonderful life. There's nothing wrong with it. I have a great husband who works hard to provide for me and our children. My kids are smart, healthy and independent. And funny! I have friends who love me and support me. I'm healthy. So what's wrong with me?

I think I wrote more of myself into Talia than I realized. I need the sun shining on me, renewing me and energizing me in order to feel whole. It's not even spring and I miss my North Carolina back yard. Where am I going to sit and write? I've got a postage stamp surrounded by a big wooden fence. No trees. (See how much I'm like Talia? I NEED trees!)

How am I going to make myself write when I don't want to do anything? (I'm writing this post Tuesday at 1 pm and I'm still in my pjs--I'll change in time to walk to the bus stop.) My head knows and understands what's wrong and what I should do to feel better.

  • Exercise
  • Shower
  • Accomplish something

So why is it so hard to make myself do what I know I should?